honestly, the most heartbreaking part is him saying he knows he probably won’t find a better match and still not being able to choose the relationship. love is so much more complicated than just finding the right person
It broke my heart for a very long time. When I was younger, I thought love was enough to build a life with someone. And now I don’t think so. I think some relationships are just meant to be love stories not life stories. Thank you for reading and thank you for your comment! ♥️
I feel this. Yesterday, I was thinking about people who have "the one that got away", and if the connection is that intense, would it not be better to risk the vulnerability of reaching out again - the chance of being rejected and feelings of letdown - rather than going down into the grave with a giant "?" over one' head?
I'm so glad he's okay! I'm also kind of mad on your behalf. He took a lot of your possible childbearing time while he was sick. He knew you loved him that much. He had already let you go - until he needed you. He was so very lucky.
I just found this Substack today. You're such a good writer. My dad likes to say that there are two types of men: potatoes and onions. An onion guy is complicated with many layers and he makes you cry. A potato guy is simpler. He might not be as exciting, you might feel less. That's because he makes you feel calm, not because he's wrong for you. Your ex is the onioniest onion ever. I hope you find a potato who loves all of you.
I love the potatoes and the onions so much! It’s making me laugh every time I think about it. Thank you for sharing. My ex saw this and said “I AM the most oniony onion 🧅.” So you nailed that.
Regarding wasting my time - I would say I’m an adult who has agency and if anything I wasted my own time in the face of how he was acting. I will also add that I had a deep conviction that I was meant to be in his life while he went through treatment. And I’m so glad I was able to give him the gift of that love and care. It expanded my heart immensely and the relationship has been one of my greatest teachers. Thank you for reading and commenting!! ♥️
As much I still want to club him - I think that this just proves that love and partnership is not so black and white. It's the in the grey where each couple creates their love and create their unique partnership. This was a beautiful close to a successful relationship. Did it end the way we perceive success? No, but it was. Thank you both for sharing.
Love story vs. life story. I have never heard this terminology and I adore it. So descriptive...and somehow heals my heart for the people I dated seriously but didn't marry.
God! I know the feeling. I too wanted mine to be a life story. It had the makings to be epic…but I couldn’t see it through. It became to costly. And I, too tired.
I found your two pieces today - the one about leaving at 39 and this one. I don’t know much, but the dynamic reminded me so much about my relationship with my avoidant ex. Many days spent with him, seeking his validation and hoping to be seen and loved the way I wanted to.
I met my husband 4 hours after pronouncing the sentence “I’ll never get married or have kids and that’s ok”. 6 hours after meeting him (in the queue of a club), he told me “I really like you, and I can see you’re an anxious type, so let’s make sure we schedule the next times we meet”. We did long distance, then he moved with me, and now we have a 9mo baby (stating my needs with him was so natural). We traveled a lot, danced a lot, laughed a lot, and cried a lot in the meantime- and still do.
I hope this reaches whoever needs to be reminded to never settle for a love that is ok-ish. We deserve love - from partners, from friends, from family. We’re all worth of love.
(I speak EN as a foreign language- apologies for any mistakes)
Wow! What a story! Thank you for sharing that with us; I love hearing stories like this. And your english is beautiful. Thank you so much for reading and comment!
I'm super mad at him too. There should at least be monetary compensation for the opportunity cost of not moving to LA, and time off taken to nurse him back to health during her peak earning/childbearing years!
Wow, hands up for this man doing the work! For real 😊 This is so carefully - and tenderly - written.
This sentence will stay with me: “Why then are we not together? I believe the answer lies in the stories we tell ourselves about partnership and romance.”
It is strange and sad sometimes, how we can love one another and still live in completely different universes 💔
It’s heartbreaking. It took me a long time to understand what love and intimacy felt like for him and not take it personally. Thank you for reading and commenting! ♥️
I recently received a letter from the love of my life (who had been out of my life for over a year) expressing the same sentiments here. It’s difficult to swallow, because it’s so different than how I see the world. But I have to accept it nevertheless.
I understand!! At the same time, his effort to write this letter and explain his point of view is a sign that he cares. Of course, it doesn’t change anything (and can even be heartbreaking) but I do hope it gives some solace knowing that he cared deeply.
It was somewhat of a comfort. Because I had the niggling doubt wondering if I had just been played or inconsequential. But at the same time, it did give me false hope. And the truth is, as you said, “it doesn’t change anything.”
But being able to hold that truth, as messy as it is, is a form of love from my end. Loving someone means loving them as they are. Even if “as they are” means letting go. Love is borne from freedom to allow someone to be and to still hold them tenderly in your memory.
He sounds like a self centred sociopath to me. Every explanation in the world won’t explain away his cold core. Fancy still blaming his parents divorce etc on his own adult behaviour. A spoilt self entitled brat who can’t truely love. If you want to have your own family be very clear about insisting on having a loving and committed man, who wants what you want. I had a later life boyfriend ( lucky for me I already had my children) and he said to me, “you saved me in my deepest
Darkest days. But it wasn’t enough.” He is still alone. The type to have you still thinking that a crumb of love is better then no love. A man who truely loved you, won’t want to be left alone at night, and won’t want to awake each morning on his own. A truely loving man wants to have you with him at these times, and wants you there in between as well. A truely loving man knows that he wants to get married.
I agree! It’s so beautiful for men (or anyone) to build self-awareness and understand the root of their patterns. And, the real “work” is what you do with that information. Too many people are stuck intellectualizing their patterns instead of actually facing them.
Well said! I hope he takes the self awareness that he’s gained and realizes he could change the story if he wanted to. Thank you for reading and commenting ! ♥️
Beautiful love letter. I wish more friends and lovers could exchange this kind of repair with one another after separation. The chance to say “you changed me forever,” even though you’re no longer together, is a powerful affirmation. Thank you both for sharing this with us.
I couldn’t agree more. When I was younger I was so focused on wanting men I dated to want to be my boyfriend; there were only 2 options in my mind - be my boyfriend or I’m not good enough in some way. And as I’ve gotten older, it’s been so much more expansive to just let the experiences be whatever they are, without forcing it to be something it’s not. And it’s allowed for such beautiful and unexpected experiences - like this one with my ex. And ultimately it’s created more love in my life. Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! ♥️
This is so sad because this man is still seeking “ROMANCE” when the far more valuable connection is - I don’t even know what to call it - commitment, I guess. It is really simple and he is making it so complicated. 56 years ago my husband and I fell into lust at a New Years Eve party. As people who came of age in the 60s did we jumped into bed and had sex 5 times that night. I was impressed.
For the next 4 years we spent an increasing amount of time together, discovering that we enjoyed more than sex together. We chose to be together. We started to think of each other as necessary and realized we wanted to build a home together. We CHOSE to marry, celebrating the love and commitment we had already discovered.
Over these 50 years there have been plenty of times we were less than happy with each other. Because we are human. Another relationship, another person will always look easier and more fun because it would be for a while. But we always come back to that word commitment. We promised to be there for each other. And yes, now in our final years we are both very happy we are. Love is a verb, someone said. It is something we CHOOSE to give. I am very happy we chose to be together, to stay together. We both have lifetimes of trauma in our ancestry and our homes of origin but we understood that we are adults. We can CHOOSE something different for ourselves. No one is bound to their past and no magical person is going to descend from on high to heal this man. He needs to CHOOSE his own future.
Wow! It sounds like you and your husband have such a beautiful love story together - the kind most people aspire to and hope for. And it really started out with a bang 😉. I totally agree with you that we can choose something different. I hope eventually my ex comes that conclusion on his own - I don’t want to have to convince anyone to be with me.
Exactly Sara. You sound like such a lovely woman. You obviously understand that choosing is what it is all about. There is nothing special about Steve and I. We are that ordinary old couple you see everywhere around you. He forgets to say I love you as often as I need it and I am messy and leave cupboard doors open. He gets grumpy and I have meltdowns. So I try to remember the many things he does to show me he loves me - like pulling out the Dyson cordless 3X day to clean up my mess without complaining and I buy cookies with raisins because that is his favourite. Ordinary.
This is so sweet ♥️ I'm so touched by your description of the micro moments - the dyson and the cookies without raisin - thank you for sharing that with us.
Thank you for your honesty and openness.Three cheers for you and the rich ,meaningful life you both created ,on your own steam, together! Times like this I wish Nora Ephron were still with us! Your his/her story is so memorable! I wish you and your husband long life and good enough health to enjoy being born again to treasure every morning and every increasingly precious day together.Hapoy Wedding Anniversary,whenever it comes around!
Thank you both for sharing. What a great break-up convo/closure, and what a fascinating dilemma - well, maybe it isn’t one. The writer clearly has a certain depth of self knowledge, and I was gonna say how annoying to know why you’re getting in your own way and still not be able to do anything about it.
But then, did the writer ever state they wanted to change their attitude to love and relationship? I read it more like he’s resigned to his current levels of intimacy at arms length. I work with people who want to experience different things and support them practicing new skills, so I fully believe (nay, know!) change and growth is possible. But I also feel for the person who is so defended even a life threatening illness only provides temporary relief.
I’m glad he’s doing better, and you know what, you do you. Be honest with the next ladies you’re dating, and although you may not be able to recreate the same experience again, your next one could also be even closer (if hopefully for different reasons). Rooting for you both!
I hope he continues to do more work and eventually puts down this narrative. I certainly think he could if he wanted to. This is a great sentence: “But I also feel for the person who is so defended even a life threatening illness only provides temporary relief.”
39 year old woman in nyc and not dating but single. It's one of those it just has to find me at this point type of things. Love stories in this city are as unusual as they come and this one takes the cake.
I love this. You need to put this in the new tork times!
If he’s looking for novelty then why accept being in any relationship it’s quite dishonest. Perfect that you chose to leave than play girlfriend to someone who felt security was drowning. If having a close encounter with mortality didn’t wake him up to what matters in love and life then he needs a few lifetimes to work through it.
This moved me enormously—especially the line, “it felt easier to let her go than to live up to the commitment she was asking for.”
What struck me is how much insight he already has. He can see the pattern, understand where it may have been learned, recognize the evasion strategies, love you deeply—and still have his response change as the relationship becomes more secure and consequential.
This is very close to where my work lives. Through earlier experience, the nervous system can learn predictions about what closeness, commitment, dependence, or secure love will mean. Then a real relationship crosses that learned boundary and the prediction fires. Suddenly leaving can genuinely feel more available than staying—even when the person consciously wants the relationship.
And this is the part I wish more people knew: those predictions can resolve. Insight can explain the pattern. Resolution changes the response.
I was also so moved by the other side of this story: the enormous love you gave him, and the point at which loving him could no longer require putting your own life on hold.
Both truths can exist at once. He may have loved you profoundly. And you still had to stop sacrificing yourself to what he could not yet choose. I have lived that too.
Stephanie! This is so spot on and well said: “Suddenly leaving can genuinely feel more available than staying—even when the person consciously wants the relationship.” It took me a long time to understand how deeply ingrained that instinct is in some people and not internalize it as something wrong with me. Thank you for reading and commenting! ♥️
Yes—and I want to make one distinction because it’s central to what I’m describing and very important for people to know. I wouldn’t call this instinct. Instinct is innate. The prediction I’m talking about is learned.
Through earlier experience, his nervous system learned to predict a consequence when closeness or commitment crossed a certain threshold. When the relationship reached that threshold, the prediction fired, his physiology changed, and leaving genuinely became more available than staying.
And this is the important distinction: a learned prediction can resolve. When it does, the nervous system stops predicting that consequence, so it stops generating the response that was organized around it.
Absolutely...capacity,timing and circumstance matter but the capacity to self-reflect ,become self-aware of what you are doing in your life /patterns of living it that produce good and not so good results and intention to learn and act wisely /more wisely combined with the self-generated courage to create change are what peoples lives pivot around.The capacity to grow,learn and keep learning is what living a fulfilling life is about.Not many seem too pushed to live this kind of well rounded life nowadays but to me it's well worth striving for.To brighter times 🌸🌺🌸🌺🏆
Brother, I see you. I also had shitty examples of relationships growing up, and a ton of 'evasion' strategies to avoid the deeply uncomfortable experience of love being directed my way. Fearing what might happen if I opened myself to it. Lots and lots of trauma way back.
It took a lot of work, which you're doing, to get to a place not just in my marriage but in my body where I no longer doubted that I deserved love, belonging, or the devotion of a good woman. I learned how to give it also, not to get something in return or to match the magnitude of all that she's given me and held space for as I learned how to be an adult in relationship.
We've been married for 13 years. She is my person. The connection is unfuckwithable. Lots of heartache in between, but it's possible.
You are not your patterns of belief, or the strategies that once kept you safe. None of us are. We are deeper than that, and capable of more.
I shared this with my ex and he really appreciates your note. We both love the phrase: "the connection is unfuckwithable" Goals. I wish everyone out there wrestling with something like this, could really internalize this line: "You are not your patterns of belief, or the strategies that once kept you safe. None of us are. We are deeper than that, and capable of more." Thank you so much for reading and sharing! ♥️
Sara… I think you just healed the broken hearts of half the women in the world with this one lol
Then it has served its purpose in my sharing it ♥️♥️♥️♥️
Wow. I feel like I now understand all men.
You don't, because they're all different. Just like women are.
What she said. It's like that's all we ever wanted them to say. It feels like I finally felt in a language I can understand
💯
You were so brave and well adjusted to love him so much. Give all of yourself during his illness then be able to walk away. ❤️
Thank you for those kind words ♥️♥️
honestly, the most heartbreaking part is him saying he knows he probably won’t find a better match and still not being able to choose the relationship. love is so much more complicated than just finding the right person
It broke my heart for a very long time. When I was younger, I thought love was enough to build a life with someone. And now I don’t think so. I think some relationships are just meant to be love stories not life stories. Thank you for reading and thank you for your comment! ♥️
This is so true: ‘Some relationships are love stories another is a life story’. To see the difference and act on is another story.
Humans can be stubborn, like the man drowning in the ocean. I think we’ve all been there.
I feel this. Yesterday, I was thinking about people who have "the one that got away", and if the connection is that intense, would it not be better to risk the vulnerability of reaching out again - the chance of being rejected and feelings of letdown - rather than going down into the grave with a giant "?" over one' head?
Not necessarily - that only prolongs the agony. As a wise friend (male) once said, if you're the one always reaching out, then stop.
For some people it is..but doesn’t have to be
I'm so glad he's okay! I'm also kind of mad on your behalf. He took a lot of your possible childbearing time while he was sick. He knew you loved him that much. He had already let you go - until he needed you. He was so very lucky.
I just found this Substack today. You're such a good writer. My dad likes to say that there are two types of men: potatoes and onions. An onion guy is complicated with many layers and he makes you cry. A potato guy is simpler. He might not be as exciting, you might feel less. That's because he makes you feel calm, not because he's wrong for you. Your ex is the onioniest onion ever. I hope you find a potato who loves all of you.
I love the potatoes and the onions so much! It’s making me laugh every time I think about it. Thank you for sharing. My ex saw this and said “I AM the most oniony onion 🧅.” So you nailed that.
Regarding wasting my time - I would say I’m an adult who has agency and if anything I wasted my own time in the face of how he was acting. I will also add that I had a deep conviction that I was meant to be in his life while he went through treatment. And I’m so glad I was able to give him the gift of that love and care. It expanded my heart immensely and the relationship has been one of my greatest teachers. Thank you for reading and commenting!! ♥️
As much I still want to club him - I think that this just proves that love and partnership is not so black and white. It's the in the grey where each couple creates their love and create their unique partnership. This was a beautiful close to a successful relationship. Did it end the way we perceive success? No, but it was. Thank you both for sharing.
So well said. And not every love story is meant to be a life story. And my god did I want it to be a life story!
Love story vs. life story. I have never heard this terminology and I adore it. So descriptive...and somehow heals my heart for the people I dated seriously but didn't marry.
God! I know the feeling. I too wanted mine to be a life story. It had the makings to be epic…but I couldn’t see it through. It became to costly. And I, too tired.
I found your two pieces today - the one about leaving at 39 and this one. I don’t know much, but the dynamic reminded me so much about my relationship with my avoidant ex. Many days spent with him, seeking his validation and hoping to be seen and loved the way I wanted to.
I met my husband 4 hours after pronouncing the sentence “I’ll never get married or have kids and that’s ok”. 6 hours after meeting him (in the queue of a club), he told me “I really like you, and I can see you’re an anxious type, so let’s make sure we schedule the next times we meet”. We did long distance, then he moved with me, and now we have a 9mo baby (stating my needs with him was so natural). We traveled a lot, danced a lot, laughed a lot, and cried a lot in the meantime- and still do.
I hope this reaches whoever needs to be reminded to never settle for a love that is ok-ish. We deserve love - from partners, from friends, from family. We’re all worth of love.
(I speak EN as a foreign language- apologies for any mistakes)
Wow! What a story! Thank you for sharing that with us; I love hearing stories like this. And your english is beautiful. Thank you so much for reading and comment!
I really needed this reminder today! Thank you 💞
I needed to read this today! Thank you 💛
Good riddance to him. What a jerk.
I’ve had that thought many times 😂 thank you for reading and commenting! ♥️
Just because he is a good writer doesn’t make him any less of a jerk.
Al I could think reading his letter was blah blah blah. Exhausting!
I'm super mad at him too. There should at least be monetary compensation for the opportunity cost of not moving to LA, and time off taken to nurse him back to health during her peak earning/childbearing years!
Wow, hands up for this man doing the work! For real 😊 This is so carefully - and tenderly - written.
This sentence will stay with me: “Why then are we not together? I believe the answer lies in the stories we tell ourselves about partnership and romance.”
It is strange and sad sometimes, how we can love one another and still live in completely different universes 💔
But thank you for this piece!!
It’s heartbreaking. It took me a long time to understand what love and intimacy felt like for him and not take it personally. Thank you for reading and commenting! ♥️
I recently received a letter from the love of my life (who had been out of my life for over a year) expressing the same sentiments here. It’s difficult to swallow, because it’s so different than how I see the world. But I have to accept it nevertheless.
I understand!! At the same time, his effort to write this letter and explain his point of view is a sign that he cares. Of course, it doesn’t change anything (and can even be heartbreaking) but I do hope it gives some solace knowing that he cared deeply.
It was somewhat of a comfort. Because I had the niggling doubt wondering if I had just been played or inconsequential. But at the same time, it did give me false hope. And the truth is, as you said, “it doesn’t change anything.”
But being able to hold that truth, as messy as it is, is a form of love from my end. Loving someone means loving them as they are. Even if “as they are” means letting go. Love is borne from freedom to allow someone to be and to still hold them tenderly in your memory.
He sounds like a self centred sociopath to me. Every explanation in the world won’t explain away his cold core. Fancy still blaming his parents divorce etc on his own adult behaviour. A spoilt self entitled brat who can’t truely love. If you want to have your own family be very clear about insisting on having a loving and committed man, who wants what you want. I had a later life boyfriend ( lucky for me I already had my children) and he said to me, “you saved me in my deepest
Darkest days. But it wasn’t enough.” He is still alone. The type to have you still thinking that a crumb of love is better then no love. A man who truely loved you, won’t want to be left alone at night, and won’t want to awake each morning on his own. A truely loving man wants to have you with him at these times, and wants you there in between as well. A truely loving man knows that he wants to get married.
I agree! It’s so beautiful for men (or anyone) to build self-awareness and understand the root of their patterns. And, the real “work” is what you do with that information. Too many people are stuck intellectualizing their patterns instead of actually facing them.
Well said! I hope he takes the self awareness that he’s gained and realizes he could change the story if he wanted to. Thank you for reading and commenting ! ♥️
That is indeed very true 🙏🏼
Did he though? Intellectualising is exactly what this sounds like to me.
But isn't this sentence in itself a story, a continuation of the pattern he's professed is his ailment?
💯 💯 💯
Beautiful love letter. I wish more friends and lovers could exchange this kind of repair with one another after separation. The chance to say “you changed me forever,” even though you’re no longer together, is a powerful affirmation. Thank you both for sharing this with us.
I couldn’t agree more. When I was younger I was so focused on wanting men I dated to want to be my boyfriend; there were only 2 options in my mind - be my boyfriend or I’m not good enough in some way. And as I’ve gotten older, it’s been so much more expansive to just let the experiences be whatever they are, without forcing it to be something it’s not. And it’s allowed for such beautiful and unexpected experiences - like this one with my ex. And ultimately it’s created more love in my life. Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! ♥️
This is so sad because this man is still seeking “ROMANCE” when the far more valuable connection is - I don’t even know what to call it - commitment, I guess. It is really simple and he is making it so complicated. 56 years ago my husband and I fell into lust at a New Years Eve party. As people who came of age in the 60s did we jumped into bed and had sex 5 times that night. I was impressed.
For the next 4 years we spent an increasing amount of time together, discovering that we enjoyed more than sex together. We chose to be together. We started to think of each other as necessary and realized we wanted to build a home together. We CHOSE to marry, celebrating the love and commitment we had already discovered.
Over these 50 years there have been plenty of times we were less than happy with each other. Because we are human. Another relationship, another person will always look easier and more fun because it would be for a while. But we always come back to that word commitment. We promised to be there for each other. And yes, now in our final years we are both very happy we are. Love is a verb, someone said. It is something we CHOOSE to give. I am very happy we chose to be together, to stay together. We both have lifetimes of trauma in our ancestry and our homes of origin but we understood that we are adults. We can CHOOSE something different for ourselves. No one is bound to their past and no magical person is going to descend from on high to heal this man. He needs to CHOOSE his own future.
Wow! It sounds like you and your husband have such a beautiful love story together - the kind most people aspire to and hope for. And it really started out with a bang 😉. I totally agree with you that we can choose something different. I hope eventually my ex comes that conclusion on his own - I don’t want to have to convince anyone to be with me.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing! ♥️
Exactly Sara. You sound like such a lovely woman. You obviously understand that choosing is what it is all about. There is nothing special about Steve and I. We are that ordinary old couple you see everywhere around you. He forgets to say I love you as often as I need it and I am messy and leave cupboard doors open. He gets grumpy and I have meltdowns. So I try to remember the many things he does to show me he loves me - like pulling out the Dyson cordless 3X day to clean up my mess without complaining and I buy cookies with raisins because that is his favourite. Ordinary.
This is so sweet ♥️ I'm so touched by your description of the micro moments - the dyson and the cookies without raisin - thank you for sharing that with us.
Agreed! I've been married 30 years and it really is in the ordinary, mundane things where love and commitment shine through. 💜💜
♥️♥️♥️
Thank you for your honesty and openness.Three cheers for you and the rich ,meaningful life you both created ,on your own steam, together! Times like this I wish Nora Ephron were still with us! Your his/her story is so memorable! I wish you and your husband long life and good enough health to enjoy being born again to treasure every morning and every increasingly precious day together.Hapoy Wedding Anniversary,whenever it comes around!
💖🏩 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
I’m not buying his story just because he is a good writer. But this has made me appreciate my wife much more.
He needs a little calling out 😂 thank you for doing it. And thank you for reading ♥️
Yeah, I am not having the same reaction so many other commenters are having! You are well shot of this man Sara!
Thank you both for sharing. What a great break-up convo/closure, and what a fascinating dilemma - well, maybe it isn’t one. The writer clearly has a certain depth of self knowledge, and I was gonna say how annoying to know why you’re getting in your own way and still not be able to do anything about it.
But then, did the writer ever state they wanted to change their attitude to love and relationship? I read it more like he’s resigned to his current levels of intimacy at arms length. I work with people who want to experience different things and support them practicing new skills, so I fully believe (nay, know!) change and growth is possible. But I also feel for the person who is so defended even a life threatening illness only provides temporary relief.
I’m glad he’s doing better, and you know what, you do you. Be honest with the next ladies you’re dating, and although you may not be able to recreate the same experience again, your next one could also be even closer (if hopefully for different reasons). Rooting for you both!
I hope he continues to do more work and eventually puts down this narrative. I certainly think he could if he wanted to. This is a great sentence: “But I also feel for the person who is so defended even a life threatening illness only provides temporary relief.”
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! ♥️
39 year old woman in nyc and not dating but single. It's one of those it just has to find me at this point type of things. Love stories in this city are as unusual as they come and this one takes the cake.
I love this. You need to put this in the new tork times!
Thank you for reading and commenting! I’m so glad you’re here and that it resonated. Thank you! ♥️
I agree! This topic is such a healthy one to air!Guidance not silence!! 🏆
If he’s looking for novelty then why accept being in any relationship it’s quite dishonest. Perfect that you chose to leave than play girlfriend to someone who felt security was drowning. If having a close encounter with mortality didn’t wake him up to what matters in love and life then he needs a few lifetimes to work through it.
I agree with you - if you don't know if you want to be with me after a journey with cancer, then it's time for me to go...
Thank you for reading and commenting!
How can one not really take that to heart 💔 is my question. Nothing about it was easy for sure.
Absolutely brutal.
This moved me enormously—especially the line, “it felt easier to let her go than to live up to the commitment she was asking for.”
What struck me is how much insight he already has. He can see the pattern, understand where it may have been learned, recognize the evasion strategies, love you deeply—and still have his response change as the relationship becomes more secure and consequential.
This is very close to where my work lives. Through earlier experience, the nervous system can learn predictions about what closeness, commitment, dependence, or secure love will mean. Then a real relationship crosses that learned boundary and the prediction fires. Suddenly leaving can genuinely feel more available than staying—even when the person consciously wants the relationship.
And this is the part I wish more people knew: those predictions can resolve. Insight can explain the pattern. Resolution changes the response.
I was also so moved by the other side of this story: the enormous love you gave him, and the point at which loving him could no longer require putting your own life on hold.
Both truths can exist at once. He may have loved you profoundly. And you still had to stop sacrificing yourself to what he could not yet choose. I have lived that too.
Stephanie! This is so spot on and well said: “Suddenly leaving can genuinely feel more available than staying—even when the person consciously wants the relationship.” It took me a long time to understand how deeply ingrained that instinct is in some people and not internalize it as something wrong with me. Thank you for reading and commenting! ♥️
Yes—and I want to make one distinction because it’s central to what I’m describing and very important for people to know. I wouldn’t call this instinct. Instinct is innate. The prediction I’m talking about is learned.
Through earlier experience, his nervous system learned to predict a consequence when closeness or commitment crossed a certain threshold. When the relationship reached that threshold, the prediction fired, his physiology changed, and leaving genuinely became more available than staying.
And this is the important distinction: a learned prediction can resolve. When it does, the nervous system stops predicting that consequence, so it stops generating the response that was organized around it.
Just because we see our own patterns doesn't mean we have the strength, courage or wisdom to break them. 😔
Absolutely...capacity,timing and circumstance matter but the capacity to self-reflect ,become self-aware of what you are doing in your life /patterns of living it that produce good and not so good results and intention to learn and act wisely /more wisely combined with the self-generated courage to create change are what peoples lives pivot around.The capacity to grow,learn and keep learning is what living a fulfilling life is about.Not many seem too pushed to live this kind of well rounded life nowadays but to me it's well worth striving for.To brighter times 🌸🌺🌸🌺🏆
A message for your ex:
Brother, I see you. I also had shitty examples of relationships growing up, and a ton of 'evasion' strategies to avoid the deeply uncomfortable experience of love being directed my way. Fearing what might happen if I opened myself to it. Lots and lots of trauma way back.
It took a lot of work, which you're doing, to get to a place not just in my marriage but in my body where I no longer doubted that I deserved love, belonging, or the devotion of a good woman. I learned how to give it also, not to get something in return or to match the magnitude of all that she's given me and held space for as I learned how to be an adult in relationship.
We've been married for 13 years. She is my person. The connection is unfuckwithable. Lots of heartache in between, but it's possible.
You are not your patterns of belief, or the strategies that once kept you safe. None of us are. We are deeper than that, and capable of more.
May you find rest in your own everything one day.
I shared this with my ex and he really appreciates your note. We both love the phrase: "the connection is unfuckwithable" Goals. I wish everyone out there wrestling with something like this, could really internalize this line: "You are not your patterns of belief, or the strategies that once kept you safe. None of us are. We are deeper than that, and capable of more." Thank you so much for reading and sharing! ♥️
Well, I’m happy you ended it. He’s not the right guy. If he was, there would be no hesitation or doubt. You deserve better.
I agree. I can’t wait for the partnership where there’s no hesitation. I don’t want to have to convince anyone to be with me.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! ♥️
Of course. It was a great piece.