I’ve been studying Kabbalah for a year now - which is to say, not very long, but the concept that has stayed with me, that I’ve applied the most in my own life, is the concept of certainty.
But first - what is Kabbalah?
Kabbalah is a form of spirituality or study of the mystic within Judaism.
Judaism is the religious framework and practices.
Kabbalah is the symbolic and mystical interpretation of the universe underlying those practices.
Kabbalah provides a framework for living that puts you firmly in the driver’s seat of your own life — and while this is a vast simplification — at its core it teaches that lasting fulfillment comes through expanding your capacity to give, and through ongoing work on your soul’s evolution, or tikkun. It holds that the only things truly within your control are your own thoughts, words, and actions, and that by refining these, you align yourself with a deeper divine purpose. Modern Kabbalah suggests that you can have everything you want in this lifetime by focusing on your soul’s growth and giving to others.
One of the Kabbalistic tools for that growth is certainty beyond logic.
Certainty is your vehicle to growth.
It’s one of the greatest tools in your toolbox.
When you are certain that everything in your life is happening for you not to you; it is that certainty that allows you to take the lesson from the person or the situation.
When you allow doubt to creep in; you create space between yourself and the wisdom that you’re supposed to receive from the experience.
This applies to the full spectrum of what we experience.
In the small moments: If you choose a movie to watch and then when it starts playing, you stay on your phone looking for other things that might’ve been better, and doubting your choice, you’re putting space in between you and the experience of watching this movie.
It’s a trivial example - but consider the compounding of moments when we’ve cheated ourselves out of the full presence of an experience; second guessing that we should’ve picked a different restaurant, read a different book, that this date is a waste of time, wondering if the class we’re taking is “worth it” - we’re not present to what’s actually happening in our lives. We’re not getting the lesson.
And in the big moments:
If my partner and I are in conflict - certainty would ask: what is this here to teach me? How can I shift the dynamic between us by elevating my own communication to be more honest and vulnerable? How am I playing a role in this dynamic? How am I being asked to grow or step up in this moment?
Doubt would ask: What’s wrong with him? Why is he doing this to me? When is he going to change? If he would just stop this, we wouldn’t have a problem. Doubt distances you from the lesson of the moment by placing the attention and the cause of the discomfort outside yourself.
If dating feels miserable - having certainty that this is happening for your highest growth would look like asking yourself: What is this experience mirroring inside me? Is there a part of me that believes I’m not worthy of true partnership? Am I bringing the enthusiasm I’d want to receive or am I expecting dates to perform interest and desire to prove themselves to me?
Doubt would say: there are no good men in my city. Dating apps have ruined dating; I’ll never meet anyone. Doubt enforces the idea that if the problem is outside of you; then there’s nothing you can do to fix it; you are the victim of the situation.
Exercising the muscle of certainty doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind. Or have doubts about a relationship or a situation. It means that as you move through those experiences, hold certain the idea that whatever you’re experiencing is happening for you, forcing you to grow and expand your capacity to receive the things that you want. Without certainty that an experience is here to teach us something; we move into victim mode.
You can’t be the creator of your life from a place of complaint or victimhood.
If you can move through every interaction, every trial and tribulation with certainty that this is in “your movie” - aka your life - for a reason, you can take from it the lesson that you need, progressing you further on your path towards the things that you want.
Be certain that no one is coming to save you.
Be certain that you are the cause of your life.
Be illogically certain that everything is happening for a reason.
Content I Consumed This Week
I’m starting to see more reporting that just as GLP-1s remove the desire for food and alcohol, they may tamp down all desire - including sexual, which is similar to us all being so dopamine depleted from phone addiciton we don’t have the chemical building blocks for lust and love.
This is a great analysis of why women like to be paid for on a date, and what it might look like to shift the rules around who pays.
Bring Me Bae is a matchmaking company that pays you a reward (up to $25K or more) if you find a match for one of the singles on the site.
In Case You Missed It
A step by step exercise to finding your purpose, what energizes you, qualities to look for in a partner and qualities to cultivate in yourself for partnership
I answered a reader submitted question about setting a boundary with situationships.
The rise of AI and artificial intimacy
A case for more devotion in all of our lives.
If you want to submit a topic or a specific question for me to answer, you can do that anonymously here.
You can also reply to this email or DM me on the Substack app; I’d love to hear what’s on your mind as it relates to all things dating and relationships.
🤍🤍🤍
No one is coming to save you is the most empowering thought !