I spent the last two days at Esther Perel’s Sessions Live, which has been a highlight of my year for the past two years; I wish it was three weeks long instead of two days. Esther gathers incredible thinkers and leaders from a wide range of expertise to explore how relationships are evolving - and of course we hear from Esther herself.
The conference gave me so much to sit with and think about; which I’ll be writing about in more depth in the months to come, so for now, below is a compilation of some of the sound bites I’m fascinated by and noodling on. A caveat that there were some larger conversations around masculinity, trauma, and other cultural elements that were too complicated to condense into a bullet point below but I’ll touch on in future substacks.
Eroticism/ Desire
(all of the below is attributed to Esther)
You can’t desire what you can’t feel. Aliveness doesn’t arrive in a depleted body.
Twenty years ago Mating in Captivity asked - Can we want what we already have?Now we ask; Can we ignite desire in the first place?
Desire is owning the want. You can make people have sex, you can’t force them to have desire. Desire is sovereign.
“We buried our loved ones in the morning, protested in the afternoon and danced all night It’s the dance we’re fighting for. Its never too dark or too serious to party.” - Dan Savage about the AIDs crisis, which he brought up again in relation to Trump being elected a second time; the importance of eroticism and aliveness for our resilience.
Technology/ Friction/Discomfort
(all of the below is attributed to Esther)
When you live with a phone in your hand that delivers precise instant answers, it warps our relationship to predictability and perfection, and in turn our relationship to other humans.
We have an overemphasis on comfort and an underemphasis on risk. Creativity and aliveness require risk.
What is the role of friction in connection? It’s half the equation. Goal + obstacle = excitement
With technology, everything is smoothed over, it’s polished. It makes it harder for all of us to tolerate frustration and the comfortability crisis is affecting people’s ability to change
Loneliness
The rates of loneliness aren’t actually much higher than they were a few decades ago, but the intensity of it has increased
We have more interactions, more people in our lives, but the depth of the connections are there. If you post about a trauma in your life do you feel seen and witnessed?
1 in 5 Americans (21%) have had a non monogamous relationship at some point but only 5% are currently in one.
Dating
We have ideas that certain things should be happening in courtship. 1 in 2 college students in the US said they knew with 1 kiss if there’s chemistry with a potential partner. But only 46% of the world engages in kissing as courtship ritual (we’re in the minority in the U.S.). And then we mythologize the kiss and make it mean something about chemistry and connection. - Dr. Justin Garcia, Director of the Kinsey Intitute
Last year, 60% of single Americans said they believe in love at first sight.”I’ll just know.” “I”ll know it when i see it” but 70% of people have fallen in love with someone they weren’t initially interested in… - Dr. Justin Garcia, Director of the Kinsey Intitute
80% of Gen Z say they are hopeful about their love lives but 45% say they aren’t ready to be in a relationship because they have work to do on themselves but relationships are the container to work on yourself in. - Dr. Justin Garcia, Director of the Kinsey Institute
Pair bonding is for weathering uncertainty. But we’re doing it all alone.
For almost all of human history, women were property and so the relational field was tilted in the favor of men, an advantage they weren’t aware of. Women had to eventually pick a man because they didn’t have economic freedom without one, which advantaged shitty men. Shitty men are not advantaged in the dating market anymore and they are enraged - which you see in Louis Theroux’s Manosphere documentary. - Dan Savage
AI in Dating
26% of Americans are using AI In dating but they don’t want the other person to be using it at all. Gen Z is 49%.
Can you love a chatbot? Neurobiologically yes. The question is can you have a relationship with it? Part of what we want in a relationship is to experience the expansion of self. And we want to give that to our partners. That can’t happen with a chatbot. - Esther
Sex
I’ve never seen people want to have more sex from talking about how much sex they’re not having. (It requires somatic practices) - Esther
What makes long term monogamous sex magnificent? Presence. - Ruth Cohn talking about Peggy Kleinplatz’s research on Magnificent Sex.
Expanding the touch lexicon - broadening the way couples touch and how they interpret the touch. - Esther
Have a code word with your partner to know when one person is experimenting with a new role (being assertive, being receptive, taking up more space) so their partner has a cue to give them more grace. - Esther
97-98% of people have fantasies - Justin Lehmiller
Justin Lehmiller talking about sexual fantasies :) Sexual fantasy is at its peak at ovulation. In menopause, fantasy is less frequent and intense, unless a woman is on HRT, which indicates hormones play a role in fantasizing. - Justin Lehmiller
Fantasies mirror what’s happening in the culture (Justin Lehmiller)
During an STI outbreak, like AIDs, foot fetishes increase
In COVID fantasy about passion/ romance, just simply touch and kissing went from 28% - 39%
Sex is a pathway to our own awakening to who we are as human beings. It is not just something we do. - Jaiya
Sex gives us empowered meaning. A sexual awakening occurs when you can move seamlessly between all of the erotic blueprints and it allows access to a transcendent level of empowered meaning. - Jaiya
Jaiya herself is eroticism embodied; her energy is incredibly magnetic. I highly encourage you engage with her content. I wrote more in depth about her erotic blueprints here.
Menopause
6,000 women begin menopause every day. 1.3M every year and yet - 99% of medical journals about aging don’t address menopause. - Justin Garcia
Dr. Somi has been a board certified ob/gyn for 20 years and founder of HerMD. is an unbelievable wealth of knowledge on all things women’s health, with an emphasis on their pleasure and sexual goals.
There is redlight wand for the vagina for pelvic floor strength, greater lubrication and increased pleasure without hormones.
I’m interested in this book, written by an oncologist whose wife got breast cancer, about Why Taking Hormones in Menopause Can Improve and Lengthen Women’s Lives -- Without Raising the Risk of Breast Cancer. The author also did a podcast episode with Dr. Somi.
Women should take the FSFI (female sexual function index) quiz and find an ob/gyn that prioritizes their pleasure goals as part of their healthcare.
Addyi - the pink pill - Dr. Somi refers to it as the happy, horny, skinny pill. I really want to watch the documentary about it. One of only 2 FDA approved drugs for desire and arousal in women.
I’m curious what from the list you’re most intrigued by?
In Case You Missed It
Why Ibiza is the geographic representation of vitality, eroticism, life force energy.
A conversation with Dr. Eva Yacobi about why so many women feel emotionally flat
An analysis of the underlying cause of the manosphere.
A step by step exercise to finding your purpose, what energizes you, qualities to look for in a partner and qualities to cultivate in yourself for partnership
My wish for all of you on Valentine’s Day was more pleasure digestion and the discovery of your erotic blueprint.
If you have thoughts on this topic, or anything dating & relationship related, I would love to hear them! You can submit anonymously here.
You can also reply to this email or DM me on the Substack app; I’d love to hear what’s on your mind.
Juicy predictions. I'm so here for the bar/club phone bans.