A year ago, I half heartedly joked to my friends that I was in my crying era; I cried on walks, I cried in the car, I cried in Whole Foods. There was nowhere that was safe from my tears. I felt like a water balloon that was filled beyond capacity, the latex stretched so thin it was translucent, and at the slightest touch I popped, bursting into tears. I couldn’t hold it in. Sometimes it was a slow watering of the eyes, a single tear sliding down my face, streaking my makeup. Other times it was full body wracking sobs, my face increasingly red and blotchy. I cried and cried and cried, and then I cried some more. I became increasingly worried that it was never going to end. I couldn’t seem to get myself out of the state, which set off a new round of crying, now with the added distress that I “should” be over this. There must be something wrong with me to be upset for this long; this wasn’t normal.
I was in a season where every facet of my life was in upheaval - job, romantic relationship, home, work - and it felt incredibly destabilizing.
I started to collect little nuggets of wisdom and practices that helped me shift my mindset, my perspective and eventually my state.
When I sat down to write this piece, I synchronistically came across Viola Davis’ NAACP Award acceptance speech; it’s the most chilling description of the divergent paths between embracing self work and bypassing it.
The quote from the video:
“The definition of hell is that on your last day on Earth, the person you became meets the person that you could have become…there is no becoming until you face the depth and the darkness of your own soul. There is no becoming without healing and without a radical acceptance of one’s truth.”
That quote makes me want to hurdle myself further into the darkness if it means avoiding my own mediocrity. These seasons of purgatory, the dark nights of soul, are the only path to the person we’re capable of becoming. That reframe alone is powerful; it makes me welcome the hardship as the alchemy that’s going to transform me into my next iteration.
The below is the trail map I’ve pieced together for finding my way out of the dark; it’s an eclectic mix of wisdom I’ve come across, quotes I’ve accumulated, little tidbits that have helped to shift my perspective and eventually my state.
Mindset Shifts
“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” - Brene Brown
“Pain is the messenger; something has changed and we must change too. Emotions are transmissions of information. When we block them they are there until we listen because they have a message for us.” - Paul Browde
“Pain is the agent of change.” - Julia Samuel
“What you resist persists.” - Carl Jung. Feel the feelings. Feel them all. Feel them over and over again. Even when you feel like “should” be over it by now
The ability to sit with uncomfortable emotions expands your capacity for all emotions; the full spectrum. So the more pain and discomfort you can tolerate, the more capacity you have for joy + love.
When a butterfly tries to come out of its cocoon, it is extremely difficult for it to break through. But if humans step in and break the cocoon for the butterfly, it is more likely to die later on; it needs to go through the hard thing to build resilience.
Everything + everyone is in the movie of your life to give you the lessons you need for your soul’s highest purpose and evolution; so you’re exactly where you need to be.
It’s always darkest before the dawn
There is no hero’s journey without the obstacle
What you face transforms you, what you run from chases you
Never waste a good breakup
In stoicism, there is a period of exile, hardship or isolation before a person is truly ready to be of service to others and that phase is crucial to their later success. Example: Winston Churchill was in a decade of political isolation (1929 -1939); he was out of government, shunned by his own political party, and seen as a relic of the past. He came back to make the largest contributions of his career in WWII. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison before emerging to lead South Africa’s transition out of apartheid and become its first Black president. Steve Jobs was fired from Apple, only to return years later and transform it into one of the most valuable and influential companies in the world.
The cure for a depressed state is feeling the underlying emotions. Emotional suppression is what sustains these states, and moving through the feeling is what resolves them - Terry Real
Content Consumption
This podcast episode between Esther Perel and Spike Jonze, the creator of the movie Her, in which they discuss Esther doing couples therapy between a man and his AI girlfriend. There were many 🤯 moments.
Corporate Storyteller jobs are paying up to $1M, which I read as a backlash to all the AI slop and a hopeful indication of how much we value human storytelling.
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I answered a reader submitted question about setting a boundary with situationships.
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I wrote predictions for dating and relationships in 2026
We are moving into the Year of the Fire Horse
My wish for all of you on Valentine’s Day was more pleasure digestion and the discovery of your erotic blueprint.
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